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It's hard following in the footsteps of your mother, especially when she's Pulitzer Prize-winning author Alice Walker.
For 40-year-old author Rebecca Walker, having a famous mother has been anything but easy, and she's opening up about just how her difficult life was.
"I very nearly missed out on becoming a mother – thanks to being brought up by a rabid feminist who thought motherhood was about the worst thing that could happen to a woman," she revealed to British newspaper Daily Mail.
"My mom taught me that children enslave women," she continued. "I grew up believing that children are millstones around your neck, and the idea that motherhood can make you blissfully happy is a complete fairytale."
These days, the Yale graduate (born Rebecca Leventhal) is the proud mother of a 3-year-old son named Tenzin with her partner, Glen. Yet, she holds 'The Color Purple' novelist responsible for much of her hardships growing up and is working hard at being a totally different type of mother.
"Ironically, my mother regards herself as a hugely maternal woman. Believing that women are suppressed, she has campaigned for their rights around the world," she noted.
"But while she has taken care of daughters all over the world and is hugely revered for her public work and service, my childhood tells a very different story. I came very low down in her priorities -- after work, political integrity, self-fulfillment, friendships, spiritual life, fame and travel."
Following in her mother's footsteps, the biracial Mississippi native devoted a great deal of her life to upholding feminist principles.
She co-founded a nonprofit, Third Wave Foundation, to encourage activism in young women and was recognized for her work signing up tens of thousands of young female voters by the National Association of University Women, the National Organization for Women and the League of Women Voters.
She was also a contributing editor to several notable publications, including Essence, Ms., Glamour, Interview, Vibe and Mademoiselle. Time magazine even chose her as one of its 50 Future Leaders of America.
For her mother, aside from writing the seminal novel, which spawned a classic film and a hit Broadway musical of the same name, the Georgia native has published poetry, novels and nonfiction works, in addition to being honored with the Radcliffe Institute Fellowship, the Merrill Fellowship, and a Guggenheim Fellowship.
The personal lives of mother and daughter mirror each other, too. For years Rebecca dated alternative-rock soul singer Meshell Ndegeocello, while her 66 year-old mother was rumored to be romantically involved with singer-songwriter Tracy Chapman.
Still, Rebecca believes her mother was selfish, taking off in her teenager years for a two-month jaunt to Greece and leaving her with relatives. When she was younger, Rebecca says, her mother forbade her from playing with dolls.
"A good mother is attentive, sets boundaries and makes the world safe for her child. But my mother did none of those things."
"I was 16 when I found a now-famous poem she wrote comparing me to various calamities that struck and impeded the lives of other women writers," Rebecca noted.
According to Rebecca, Alice called her a "delightful distraction, but a calamity nevertheless." It was something that she said was "a huge shock and very upsetting."
The two women were estranged after Rebecca's 2000 memoir, 'Black, White and Jewish: Autobiography of a Shifting Self' was released. Her mother was unhappy about some of her reflections in the tome.Still, their communication did not cease until Rebecca became pregnant with her first child in 2004.
"I was at one of her homes, sitting, and told her my news and that I'd never been happier. She went very quiet. All she could say was that she was shocked. Then, she asked if I could check on her garden."
An e-mail correspondence followed between the two women after Alice became upset at an interview in which Rebecca mentioned that her parents did not protect or look out for her. Now, according to Rebecca, she's been cut out of her mother's will.
"She wrote me a letter saying that our relationship has been inconsequential for years, and that she is no longer interested in being my mother," Rebecca noted.
"I have since heard that my mother has cut me out of her will in favor of one of my cousins," she added. "I feel terribly sad – my mother is missing such a great opportunity to be close to her family, but I'm also relieved. Unlike most mothers, mine has never taken any pride in my achievements."
"I've done all I can to be a loyal, loving daughter, but I can no longer have this poisonous relationship destroy my life."
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By: hoffmfel on 9/18/2010 2:02AM
Good for her! The hardest thing to confront and admit is when one has a toxic parent. We all want to adhere to the commandment of respecting our parents, but some parents are emotionally abusive and harmful.
May Rebecca and her daughter enjoy a different and wonderful journey.
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By: ARNEADER on 9/18/2010 8:10AM
My heart goes out to Rebecca, a lot of mother and daughters relationships are strained. I know mines was with my mother. When I became older I resented her for the way she treated me growing up. The only thing I can think is that a lot of mothers are JEALOUS of their daughters, their daughters relationships, and their daughters lives. Perhaps, they wished they could have made the same decisions as their daughters or maybe they are desiring to live their lives through their daughters. I'm glad I have a son.
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By: Mrs. DMS on 9/18/2010 9:17AM
Although I am HIGHLY blessed to not have had a childhood like Rebecca's, my heart goes out to her and other adults who had to endure childhoods like hers and for the babies now, who also may do so. PARENTS. Rise above yourselves. Do what's best for your CHILD. Put away your izms and skizms and love them for LIFE! I too am now a mother, my son just made his 2 year birthday mark, and I couldn't be more proud! IF you're not maternal, and it is so agonizing to see yourself as a mother, STOP doing what it takes to be a mother, because you only ruin your children, with your selfish disastrous ways. I don't think Rebecca has a reason to lie. When you have a child/children, IT IS NO LONGER ABOUT YOU. I didn't say lose yourself and your identity caring for your children, but doing so, should be nothing more than a mere loving extension of yourself, but it won't be if you are harsh and cold. When I look at my son, I feel nothing more than accomplishment and joy! He's not a burden to me. Yes, parenting is difficult, even with my husband and I working together, but the benefits so far outweigh the other "stuff."
Ladies, women, daughters, wives, sisters and friends, please know that our children are truly an extension of ourselves and are our future. We can chose to bring them up as thriving, STABLE, and productive members of society, or we can have the opposite. Children, love your parents, REGARDLESS. We aren't all perfect, but good parents want only what's best for you. If someone out there reads this, and you have been through a childhood that was not a happy one, please FORGIVE, let go, and be free. To internalize and hold this, only hurts you in the long run.
Peace, and MUCH love!
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By: Justifyed on 9/18/2010 11:04AM
The irony is, she bashes her mother, but is doing the exact same thing that her mother did...feminist, gay, writing,etc...so when she is thanking God for her talents, where does she think she got them from (other THAN God...)?
Another commentor stated that she will have another tune to sing when her own child becomes of age, I agree....time will definately tell.
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By: Princesslauryn on 9/20/2010 11:16AM
@ hoffmfel... I concur wholeheartedly! I recently had to do the same thing. It REALLY IS sad when you have to preclude a toxic parent. =[
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By: pbaby37grand on 9/20/2010 2:50PM
I echo hoffmel's sentiments. In the larger picture, I believe African Americans are in denial about many things that, left unchallenged beneath the rug of social acceptability, collectively leave us weak and vulnerable. We are in a fight for survival from the day we are born. The first blows usually come from parents who, of necessity perhaps, are more in denial, more confused, than we are.
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By: Shellfish789 on 9/21/2010 8:09AM
My Mother too was not nice to me either......nor was my father......come to find out at the age of 35 I was told I was born out of an affair she had while she was married....she was married to a man who was an alcoholic and verbally abusive....so I don't fault her for that...she had to do what she had to do.......but growing up she treated my brothers like kings and treat me like a second class citizen..when she became gravely sick 4 years ago...her "Kings" did not want to be bother with her because they were too important now, too busy with their careers and making money...and the people she "Worship" started taking things from her while she was on her sick bed, some before....one relative had her to take out a $30,000 loan....for their own profit....and I just found that out!!!.....me as the daughter did my best still for her....not wanting NOTHING.......Today, I'm bless with a loving family, but the memories is still there.....she passed and the scavengers took everything....I do not hardly have a picture of her.....they ramshack her house and live RENT-Free...my point is...Mothers Please treat ALL kids the same regardless of who the father is...and treat your daughters nice and with respect and be best of friends....They may have to "have your Back" one day!
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By: Igby on 9/21/2010 12:02PM
Rebecca made the right decision for herself and her daughter. If this is true, what a phony Alice turned out to be. She is a damned fool for virtually throwing Rebecca away simply because she failed to stroke her bloated ego and follow her footsteps. We can't dictate what someone else does with their life. I would rather go without a penny than to put up with ANYONE like that self-absorbed. Jackie Kennedy once said that, of all mistakes, if you flub up at parenting then nothing else you do well matters. This goes to show she's right.
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By: Adrianne on 9/18/2010 2:09AM
Sounds like a whiney, unapprciative brat. I don't see where her mother mistreated her. Everyone is entitled to their point of view of child-rearing. For a life she hated so much why is she following her footsteps? Your child is three. Wait until they get a little older and disagree with your lifestyle choices. They maybe you'd see what your mother was writing about and stop sneaking a reading her personal poems and writings. Everything in this article proves Alice's point. You're a thankless child who now seeks to destroy the woman who brought you into this world. Fed you, kept a roof over your head and educated you. And your complaint is that you weren't the center of attention 24/7. Grow up.
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By: Mahoganie on 9/18/2010 3:39AM
In some ways I can relate to Rebecca. Mother/Daughter relationships are an interesting dynamic especially when the mother has her own unresolved issues to contend with... and to throw motherhood in the mix.. it can be toxic. I was reading about another author once, a female, who was having issues with her mom who was ironically a lesbian. Her statement "Parents can "f" you up. They don't mean to but they can."
So it's not impossible that Alice has her own issues that she's battling in relation to being a mother.
It's not whiney of Rebecca. I'm sure she appreciates the whatever positive force Alice directly or indirectly moved toward Rebecca.. but that emotional detachment... it's a killer. I know this being a daughter (and not a mom who doesnt' want to repeat the same cycle I've gone through with my mom). All children want to not only be loved by their parents.. but they want to REALLY REALLY FEEL it as well as see it.
As far as her following in her mother's footsteps.. maybet was inevitable. Though a parent may be emotionally scaring a child.. that child as they grow up will always feel some type of loyality to their parent(s). That loyality may also be a connection to whatever lifestyle or choices the parent has made and the child will eventually pick up on it. Who knows.. looking at it from a spiritual POV.. maybe it was destined for Rebecca to pick up some of Alice's legacy as an activists and such.
Eventually as you grow older.. and finally realize I'm grown enough to speak against whatever the negative force is... then you release.
Hopefully... Rebecca won't repeat the same cycle with her kid(s).
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